pussy isn’t gonna taste like strawberries and whipped cream. like, it’s a bodily fluid. your vagina is acidic when it’s in its prime pH. let’s get rid of this idea that we’re supposed to taste like we’re fruits instead of humans. like, yes, you can alter the taste with your diet. but please do not fret if your genitals don’t taste like chocolate pudding.
Sam’s poorly written step by step guide to eating your lady’s sweet meats.
Step 1. In it to win it.
Have you ever gotten head from a girl who clearly enjoys getting you off? I mean, it’s like she was born for the single purpose of making you explode? It was pretty good right? The way she moaned into you like you were her favorite ice cream? Well you do the same. I mean, if you go down there and you flinch at the smell, or the taste, or the hair she missed, she’s gonna notice! Mood is important. You just shot mood in the face. It’s gone now. You can try to revive him but he’s on his way to the morgue along with that anal she promised you. Sorry for your loss friend. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes. Not after you’ve read this guide though. Never again.
Step 2. Make the honey drip.
No one likes a dry pussy. You ever done the cinnamon challenge? Yeah. If you go straight down there without kissing her and tasting every inch of her body and making her feel safe, happy, and wanted, i’ll back hand you and make you start over. Do every little thing you can to turn her on. Kiss her like she’s 8 months pregnant and you’re about to go to war. Touch her like she’s the last woman you’ll ever explore. The gentle running of finger tips is maddeningly teasing. Get closer, and closer, closer.. then go off in another direction. Inner thighs and stomach. Neck. Nipples. Ass. Massage her damn feet if she likes that. You have 10 little weapons of mass destruction attached to those stumps on the end of your arms, don’t act like your wearing baseball mitts. Use them. Don’t even touch her pussy yet. You’re still watching the trailers before the blockbuster you paid for. Run your finger through her lips. Yep. Wet. Now lick it clean in front of her. Share it with her. Boom. You just put the thought in her head, “Hey he really likes how i taste!” and this arouses her even more.
Step 3. ALL the way down.
Kiss down her body. Don’t be shy. When you’re ready, pull yourself away from her tits. Take you’re time, I realize this is not easy but we have work to do, and they’re not going anywhere. When you get to her belly button, stick your hands under her knees, the part thats like an armpit for your leg (popliteal fossa) and spread her legs far and wide. Push her legs up if you’re a boss. Start nibbling and licking down her thighs. From your hand to the edge of her pussy. Do the other leg. Kiss and lick just outside the lips, that weird little crevice thats between her pussy and her leg. Don’t linger too long here, she will think you think that’s her pussy and begin to wonder what the fuck she’s doing here. Please don’t bite anything down there too hard. If this needs explaining, stick to masturbating to softcore.
Step 4. Touchdown.
One long lick to begin with. From her butt hole(or just above it, not everyone likes dark chocolate), over the next hole (dip in a little), through the lips, up to the tippy top. Do it again. Like you’re a dog lapping up water in slow motion. Moan and groan into it. Suck on her clit, softly. Then hard. Flick your tongue up through her lips, over her clit. Clit is important. Main objective, right there. Your boss was a cock sucker to you at work today, take it out on that little nerve filled pink pea of joy. Not to the point that your causing her to be uncomfortable, that’s not fun for her. Try and isolate the clit, and once you do, run the length of your tongue over it.
Listen to her, and react appropriately. It’s kind of like tuning an instrument. You want “Oooohhhhh.. myyyy.. god…” not “Ahh. -silence- Uhh.”
Dirty talk. Spread her lips apart with your fingers, get a few licks in there. Run your tongue through it. Never be afraid to tongue fuck her. A lot. It likes that. Keep the momentum going, don’t miss a beat. Settle down into a rhythm. And don’t pull the covers over your head, let her watch. Besides there’s nothing sexy about having to come up for air when she’s just about to cum all over your face. If you’re dealing with a particularly saucy minx, remember those 10 weapons you’ve got! Rub her clit and tongue fuck her. Lick her clit and finger fuck her! If you don’t know about the “come hither” g spot motion, and lets face it, you do. you definitely googled this before you came to me, but now this is the time to take action my son.
Always keep in mind that all girls cum for different things. So if you plan to be a stud and eat your way to fame and fortune, take extra note of both body language and sounds. Also note that the build up is just as important as the feasting.
Now go forth. GO FORTH AND EAT LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
something to print out and put on your bathroom mirror
My Sexy At Every Size Truth Is:
At Good Vibrations we’ve long known that you can’t love and pleasure yourself––or share optimally with someone else––if you can’t feel good about your body. It’s a culture full of body shame and people who struggle all their lives to be body-positive. On October we’re trying to boost that signal and so we’re launching a week of social media discussions, events…
One of my many, many pet peeves is people (okay, mostly men) leading with their kinks. That is, instead of messaging me saying “Hi, I’m interested in what you said about ____” as if I’m a human being, they say things like “I’m into pegging, spankings, and being told I’m your bitch” as if they’re placing an order at a fucking drive through.
Shockingly enough, that’s more than a little off putting…
Before I discovered Internet porn, a cream pie was a delicious dessert, a facial was what rich ladies got to stay youthful, and a turkey slap occurred only between the feistiest of birds during a territorial battle. The terms have taken double meanings now, but I can deal with that. Like so many men and women who have been enchanted by the intoxicating magic of the pornographic experience, I consider Internet porn to be the pleasure I don’t want to feel guilty about- a sweet reminder of the simplest, most blindingly gorgeous pleasures of our animal existence. But I do feel guilty. Because as a woman consuming pornographic content made by, and for men, there’s one vital thing that I have to do before I click play. I have to switch off my mind, and forget that women are people. It also helps, of course, to forget that I’m a straight female.
Cultural assumptions about the collective sexual indifference of women (as well as obvious industry power imbalances contributing to the overall underrepresentation of female agendas) have meant that male sexual culture is mainstream by default. Media both mainstream and pornographic is constructed to appeal to the male sex drive; mainstream movies prioritize female nudity over male nudity, and in most pornographic films, the male actors are neither attractive, relevant nor properly present- in fact the male actor is often cut out of the frame completely; he is registered as an absence rather than a presence, a surrogate or a ‘stand in’- he is simply there to inspire a reaction in the gorgeous, busty woman being filmed, and is never, himself, a sexualised body. Because nobody wants to see images of attractive male bodies and faces in the throws of passion, right? The 1 in 3 women who watch mainstream porn don’t have the luxury of masturbating to sexualised images of the gender to which they are sexually attracted. This means that straight women are essentially masturbating to images of other women. I often ask straight men if they could imagine that- having to masturbate to images of men, out of a lack of a better alternative. They always say no, they can’t imagine doing that, that it would be absurd, and a pollution of their authentic sexual identity. And I agree. Because when a man watches a woman get fucked on screen, he sees his conquest, his fuck doll, his wet-dream inspired perfect sex object, served up for him on a silver platter, gift wrapped and ribboned, ready for his consumption. But a woman- she sees herself. She masturbates to her own objectification, commodification, dehumanization and sexual punishment. She masturbates to ‘shut up and take it, slut’. She masturbates to ‘I’ll shove two dry fingers in your cunt, that’ll teach you’. She masturbates to ‘this is what your body is for. A vessel for my cock. A meal to chew up and spit out. A body to wipe drool and semen on. This is who you are’.
It’s always interesting to speak to men about porn, because they understand so little about it. I’m infinitely amused with how men try to commence the topic of porn from the same page as me, as though we experience it the same way, as though it’s easy for me to identify with a media landscape tailored entirely for male pleasure. As though it’s satisfying for me, being a second-class consumer of everything I watch. As though I, too, get to close my laptop at the end of it, and go back to living my life, carrying my wholesome sexuality with me into a world which accepts, if not encourages, my sexual identity. As though I have no qualms about masturbating to images of women being abused, humiliated, tormented, belittled, gang raped, anal raped, throat raped, bruised, battered, bled out and ejaculated on. As though I don’t have to skip half of a video to avoid close ups of women’s faces wincing in pain, women gagging until tears fall down their cheeks, choked until their eyes bulge- all while moaning in pleasure. As though softer porn is any less destructive; that images of young girls being tricked, manipulated and exploited for their naivety and willingness to please is any less violent that images of women being hit across the chest. As though it doesn’t faze me that this is what we watch, that we’ve all been encouraged to normalise these images, to sexualise inequality, to fetishize female inferiority, and most sickening of all, to take pleasure from the pain and belittlement of women. As though I can consume these images, over and over, and not think of myself a monster.
I, as a young, sex-positive feminist, am very confused. I’m confused because on the one hand, I would rather stick a fork in my eye than stop masturbating, or to apologise for my sexual agency as I have been made to do all my life. But on the other hand, I don’t want to be consuming these images, in which the rape and humiliation of women is painted as the epitome of masculine achievement, nor do I want to contribute in any way, to their normalisation as pictures of wholesome sexuality. Porn made for women seems good in theory, but the basic assumption that female sexuality is necessarily centred on romance, sensuality and aesthetic beauty makes the genre too soft core for your average red-blooded femme. I’m confused, but within that confusion I understand one thing- that whether you’re male or female, gay or straight, porn enthusiast or passionate protestor- understanding that mainstream porn is inherently misogynistic is absolutely vital. Understanding the difference between sex and porn, between women and objects, between fantasy and reality and of course, between sex work and sex trafficking, is a responsibility of the viewer, and a responsibility to be taken seriously.
We need to know the simple fact that we collectively masturbate to images of misogyny. And that it affects us. Straight women who masturbate regularly to mainstream pornography have no trouble sexually objectifying female bodies, but when it comes to appreciating male bodies to the point of arousal and eventually orgasm, they find the concept utterly unfamiliar, having never been exposed to many sexualised images of men’s bodies, or to representations of male bodies being enjoyed by women purely for sexual gratification. Research shows that regular users of pornography are less likely to convict for a rape, and less likely to give a harsh sentence to a rapist if convicted. And if you’re still not convinced of porn’s declarative misogyny, porn director Bill Marigold literally laid it out in an interview when he famously said: ‘[In my films] I’d like to really show what I believe the men want to see. Violence against women. The most violent we can get is the cum shot in the face. Men get off behind that because they can get even with the girls they can’t have’. The pornographic landscape of the mainstream industry is currently characterised by the theme of revenge- of ‘getting back’ at women for the crime of their sexual unavailability. It’s not about sex; it’s about power. It’s about controlling, tricking, and punishing women, for being women. Remember that.